New name.

Let's meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why?

This is an odd question for me, because Molly isn't my real name. I've always had a dislike for my real name. It's fairly common, short and unisex. When I was young I tried all kinds of ways to get a different name. I'd make long, fancy sounding variations of my name and insist they were my name, and my real name was just a nickname. I went through a phase where I introduced myself to my teachers at the beginning of the year as a completely different name than mine. It was awkward to have the teachers call me one thing, but everyone else still stuck to my plain old birth name.

Eventually I resigned myself to it, although I find it's hard for me to use my name to identify things. Aside from privacy issues, it is honestly easier for me to refer to myself by a name other than my own. It's easier to write about myself. I had thought at one point that when I turned 18 I'd legally change my name to something I liked better, but I just couldn't bring myself to hurt my family's feelings by "rejecting" my birth name. So, I've had it now for 30+ years. You'd think I'd be used to it by now.

They say our names influence how we and others perceive us for our whole lives. What does that say about me?

Beyond Avoidance.

What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?) (Author: Jake Nickell)

There are so many things I feel I "should" have done this year. I'm the queen of "should haves" and the downright empress of avoidance. "Should" is part of what got me into the emotional crisis I ended up in at the beginning of the year. However, that doesn't excuse me from any and all self-discipline.

Because my focus is self-care, the number-one thing to care for myself that I should have done this year was to care for my physical well-being. In short, I sacrificed the physical and focused all of my energy on the mental. I gave in to binge eating and consuming mountains of sweets and junk food to give myself some sense of calm and peace. It was the easy thing to do, although the good feeling was always short lived, and the results were quite detrimental. I'll come out and say it: I've gained 100 pounds in the past two years. I know this is dangerous, I know it's terrible. I know it's scary. It's funny how we rationalize things, though.

I know that healthy eating and exercise contribute to sound mental health. I've lost weight in the past and used to be a faithful walker. Through 2010, it just became an unbearable wall for me to climb over. The idea of taking a walk was anxiety provoking, for a number of reasons, most of which are embarrassing to admit.

Taking control of my physical health would be another step toward reclaiming myself. Walking or exercising on my own would give me something to do separate from my girlfriend, to help me have a separate identity, to have some space from her. I know these things, but I still haven't reached the breaking point where I take the obvious action. That is what needs to happen in 2011. I've avoided long enough.

Healing

Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011? (Author: Leonie Allan)

The big healing moment I had this year was coming out to my mother and sister. I have only really accepted my sexuality for what it was within the past year or so myself. Before that, I sort of shrugged off being attracted to girls as just a "thing" - not a way to fully identify myself. I don't know why I fought that truth for so long, but I just kept it inside me and lived my life inside my apartment, and another life outside.

That changed when I wanted to finally introduce my girlfriend to my family. We've been together for three years, and up until then she'd been my "friend" or my "roommate" or some other euphemism. I wanted to fully embrace being in love, and to call it what I felt in my heart it was. That involved explaining to my mother that I liked girls and guys both; that meant accepting that fact for myself. I'm pansexual. And right now, I'm in love with a woman - a woman I'd like to be able to marry and spend the rest of my life with one day.

Neither my mother nor my sister were surprised, which was both a relief and amusing in hindsight. They love my girlfriend and she gets along with them beautifully. Being able to share that part of my life with my family took so much weight from my soldiers, and it helped me feel that much more whole. It was a huge step in defining myself, as I talked about in the "Try" post. I'd like to eventually be able to be completely honest about my relationship in my whole life, but it's not as easy when it comes to my work situation. Or, maybe I'm just not that brave yet. Or I haven't healed enough. I'm looking forward to embracing my sexuality in 2011 and continuing that healing.

Try (Day 18 for Reverb10, Day 1 for me)

What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it? (Author: Kaileen Elise)

At the beginning of 2010, I actually vowed to give things up. I have struggled my whole life with being able to focus on tasks, on being able to see things through, on keeping up with my obligations. Yet, all I seem to do is take on more. I need to lose weight and get healthy, I want to be a blogger, I want to write fiction, I want to brush up on my German, and so forth. I never get anywhere with those projects, though, and it just leaves me feeling inadequate and frustrated.

So, in January 2010 I decided to not do anything and focus on my mental well-being. I gave myself permission to not try to write, not work toward any goals, not pick up any projects, not try to do anything but get in touch with myself. It was hard. I found that when I got rid of those things, my life just swelled to take up the space left. Living with a partner who struggles with bipolar disorder while struggling with my own emotional issues became almost overwhelming for me. I focused on counseling to try to get control of just that - how to develop boundaries and fight codependency. As my journey through the year continued, I was disturbed to find that as I put up boundaries, nothing filled the space left by leaving my girlfriend's problems to herself. I'd managed to lose my sense of self through the years.

That is the big take-away I got from "trying nothing" in 2010: I don't know myself any more. I've spent so much time living for other people and worrying about others' lives that I barely know how to identify myself any more. I let myself become almost nameless, with no real likes or dislikes; I did what my girlfriend or my family wanted.

I've paid a physical toll. I've gained a lot of weight. I'm emotionally exhausted. It's been distressing and stressful to fully acknowledge the extent of what I've lost. However, that's led me to my "try" for 2011. I'm simply going to try to define who I am. I want to be me, regardless of whether my girlfriend is manic or depressed, regardless of what is happening in my family, regardless of what other people are doing.

That's why the Reverb project looked appealing. It's a chance to reflect on what I've learned about myself through 2010 and set the stage to reconnect with myself in the new year. I joined late because I was nervous about blogging in public. I wanted to have the connection and support of other people, though. I've isolated myself for too long. I have a lot of catching up to do with the prompts, but I've made a start, and that's the most important thing.

Late to the party.

I've been watching the action at Reverb10 for the past couple of weeks, anxiously biting my nails and trying to get up the courage to join in. I've wanted to blog publicly for years. I love to write, and I'm opinionated, so it seems like it would be a perfect fit for me. The only problem is that I am horribly shy and protective of my privacy. So, I hesitate on the fence and do a whole lot of nothing. Story of my life.

It hit me today that December is over halfway through, and if I sit on the sidelines much longer, I'll have let an entire month of chances slip past. So, I held my breath, pinched my nose, picked a pseudonym and here I am. I've obviously got a lot of catching up to do.

Since a lot of people are doing the Reverb thing on Twitter too, I think I will get a Twitter account as well. I'll link that up here when I get that done.