Try (Day 18 for Reverb10, Day 1 for me)

What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it? (Author: Kaileen Elise)

At the beginning of 2010, I actually vowed to give things up. I have struggled my whole life with being able to focus on tasks, on being able to see things through, on keeping up with my obligations. Yet, all I seem to do is take on more. I need to lose weight and get healthy, I want to be a blogger, I want to write fiction, I want to brush up on my German, and so forth. I never get anywhere with those projects, though, and it just leaves me feeling inadequate and frustrated.

So, in January 2010 I decided to not do anything and focus on my mental well-being. I gave myself permission to not try to write, not work toward any goals, not pick up any projects, not try to do anything but get in touch with myself. It was hard. I found that when I got rid of those things, my life just swelled to take up the space left. Living with a partner who struggles with bipolar disorder while struggling with my own emotional issues became almost overwhelming for me. I focused on counseling to try to get control of just that - how to develop boundaries and fight codependency. As my journey through the year continued, I was disturbed to find that as I put up boundaries, nothing filled the space left by leaving my girlfriend's problems to herself. I'd managed to lose my sense of self through the years.

That is the big take-away I got from "trying nothing" in 2010: I don't know myself any more. I've spent so much time living for other people and worrying about others' lives that I barely know how to identify myself any more. I let myself become almost nameless, with no real likes or dislikes; I did what my girlfriend or my family wanted.

I've paid a physical toll. I've gained a lot of weight. I'm emotionally exhausted. It's been distressing and stressful to fully acknowledge the extent of what I've lost. However, that's led me to my "try" for 2011. I'm simply going to try to define who I am. I want to be me, regardless of whether my girlfriend is manic or depressed, regardless of what is happening in my family, regardless of what other people are doing.

That's why the Reverb project looked appealing. It's a chance to reflect on what I've learned about myself through 2010 and set the stage to reconnect with myself in the new year. I joined late because I was nervous about blogging in public. I wanted to have the connection and support of other people, though. I've isolated myself for too long. I have a lot of catching up to do with the prompts, but I've made a start, and that's the most important thing.